Potent pachyderms

Right now there are four ads on TV that feature elephants. One is a tap dancing elephant that`s advertising – I don`t know what -another advertises a financial firm, another something about Africa and the last one is for cookies, oreos with peanut butter filling. The thing is, I just get the feeling that this is some sort of ploy to appeal to the conservatives in America, you know, using this potent Republican to sell you stuff. Well, I got news for all these advertising firms, I ain`t gonna eat no damn Republican cookies or Republican anything else. So cut it out, already.

Anyways, all of these elephants remind me of my own terrifying encounter with an escaped circus elephant. It happened about two years ago when I was still living in the Twin Cities. I was in Wisconsin for the Weekend visiting my father and I had gone out for a jog. As I was returning from my jog, I saw, about a block away in the park, a circus elephant. My first thought was that I didn`t know that elephants needed to be walked but it must be what they were doing. Elephants need exercise don`t they? Makes sense. Right?

I jogged a little closer and saw that the elephant was being escorted by two men. One was a trim older fellow with silver hair who seemed to have a sort of patient, business-like air about him while the other guy was a young hillbilly with a mullet and a pot-belly. They were guiding the elephant with sticks underneath her tusks. The men stopped a woman passing by and it looked like they were asking directions, as she then gestured towards the University, which is the direction they then turned.

They passed by my Dad`s house at the same time I got there and I yelled out to them: “Hey, is the circus in town?” The Hillbilly replied in a grumpy voice: “It was.” And then seeing that he seemed out of sorts, I let him be. I kind of wonder how many times he`d heard that question already – or was about to. Later I found out that a couple of elephants had run amuck from the Shrine Circus, which had indeed been in town.

Not too long ago I was on a PETA website (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and I noticed that they had an article about the Shrine Circus and their mistreatment (alleged. reputed) of elephants. Elephants are generally social and peacable animals and tend not to misbehave unless things are really bad. That is female elephants. I guess male elephants aren`t usually used because they`re just SOBs and no one wants to deal with them. They`re necessary to make more elephants, but that`s about it. That pretty much holds true for the males of many species, too, by the way. Unless you neuter them, then they`re just pussycats.

My problem with PETA is that they seem to have the attitude that they`re right and everyone who doesn`t agree with them is Hitler. Hey, PETA, even Hitler had his okay points. He was a vegetarian. Bet you don`t disapprove of that. And I saw a video of Hitler once where he was petting a dog`s head. True, the dog was cowering in abject terror, but Hitler was smiling and he was nice to the frightened dog for at least as long as the camera was rolling. So you got to give him that.

You know, PETA, if you want to sell somebody on something – including ideas – the first thing you`ve got to do is build some rapport with them. When you`re throwing paint on someone you`re not building a lot of rapport with them, unless perhaps, they`re also someone who likes throwing paint on people. Then you`re on solid ground.

Steve Sommers is the author of Breakfast with the Antichrist. Visit his Website at http://www.breakfastwiththeantichrist.com


About Jared Fiel
Daniel is a humor columnist (as well as a former reporter, former gas station attendant, former fast food worker and current public relations flack).
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