Jared Fiel: Humor Columnist

  •  He huffed and he puffed and he blew the house down - certainly not if the house was built with cobblestones. Building cobblestone houses was a folk art that flourished in upstate New York from 1825 until the Civil War in 1860. Many of the 700+ cobblestone homes that were built survive today, a testament to their fine craftsmanship.To build your cobblestone house you’ll need 5 main components: cobblestones, soft lime mortar, wood for windows and doors, cut stone blocks for quoins, lintels...
  •  "Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer."-- Grace Allen (Gracie)"It`s foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who`s going to win a race - but it`s no sillier than asking anyone else."-- Grace Allen (Gracie)"Build a better mousetrap than your neighbour and Kraft Cheese will beat a path to your door."-- Grace Allen (Gracie)"Fir...
  •  I just turned on the news a minute ago and wondered why there weren`t news flashes regarding when -- and perhaps where -- people are turning on the news. Sometimes it is a slow news week, and there`s not much to read in Newsweek, so maybe this could take up some space. I think that`s how Neptune got there...What I am really wondering, though, is how bed bugs got their reputation. Don`t worry, there is no need to inspect your bed spread, although I heard the spread does improve the tast...
  •  Lately I`ve had the problem of falling asleep with my contact lenses still in my eyes. And by "lately," I mean for the past seven years. This, in a lot of ways, is the pinnacle of laziness because the removal of contacts takes no more than a minute or two, or three hours if it`s your first time. But I`ve come to the conclusion this morning that there is a reason I fail to remove the contacts: deep down, I am hoping to find certain people in my dreams. So if I have the contacts on my ey...
  • Today I got my school ID card. It has my name, the year, the school district I'm in, and the... name of my school. Let's just say I go to a school that has the word "Sugar" in it. On my card, it is spelled "Suger ____ ______ _____". My school is now a disgrace....
  •  This column is long overdue. To put it in library terms, which I guess I already did (but I’d like to elaborate), this column is like checking out a book in 1998 but not returning it until yesterday. And by yesterday, I really mean tomorrow. This analogy will only grow as time continues because yesterday and tomorrow are both relative terms. I can’t wait until the space creatures read this in the year 2577. Maybe they will e-mail me when they do, just so I feel like my previous se...
  •  Lawyer JokesQ: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.Q: What is the legal definition of “Appeal”?A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?A: To practice.Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?A: Your Honor.Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?A: The lawyer charges more.Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a b...
  •  Well, I hope you did not read that headline wrong, Crew Member Starbucks is not doing Paris Hilton. What I am saying here is Starbucks will now be offered in some Hilton Hotels. Just think you can watch Paris the skinny blonde babe on your infomercial in room TV ad for a Starbucks, run down to the lobby to and buy a fattening Frappachino.Imagine the benefits of having Starbucks in your room? Sounds good and while you are on vacation who cares if you get fat and look like crap in our bathi...
  •  There are many ways to be original these days. But unfortunately I cannot reveal any of these ways because the followers would then not be original, would they? Now, I realize that somewhere between one to two people would have followed the advice I gave, but just in case my calculations were off — and it turns out three would have followed — I need to be careful about what I write …One slogan which completely frustrates me due to its lack of originality is “got ____?” That’...
  •  Today while driving I saw a young girl, probably around 11 years old, on a cell phone. She was walking along the side of the street talking to someone, and I couldn’t help but think that maybe she was talking to someone across the street because she wasn’t allowed to cross it. Whatever the reason, though, there is something about an 11-year-old on a cell phone that legitimately scares me, and it has nothing to do with the fact that she is probably getting more calls than I am...I alw...
About Jared Fiel
Daniel is a humor columnist (as well as a former reporter, former gas station attendant, former fast food worker and current public relations flack).
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