Jared Fiel: Humor Columnist

  •  My next-door neighbors found a human bone in their backyard. Let me rephrase. She thinks she found a human bone. They were putting up a fence in their backyard. They’ve been digging and shoveling and leveling posts. I unloaded some boards to be a Mister-Rogers-kind-of-neighbor. And she was still talking about the human bone she’d shown me the day before.I was walking down the driveway, and she called me over to look at the bone. “Don’t you think it`s a human bone?” she asked.I pu...
  •  Thanks to teen movies, many people have this stereotypical idea of cheerleaders as being ditzy and mean. However, there are a great many life-lessons that can be learned during your time on the team that have surprising application in the business world.1. Getting to the top of the pyramid means taking a few risks. The person at the top of the pyramid is the one who is willing to take the risks, usually in the form of a backflip or a layout. It helps to be light, nimble, and flexible. Sinc...
  •  Hey, Poor Rix: What do you think about school food? – Former StudentPoor Rix ate lunch at a school last week, and really liked it. Who knew they could make a dessert out of corn chips?Fact is, Poor Rix enjoyed everything about school, except for the “study” part. Lunch period was best the part of all.One day I saw a dish labeled “Tuna Surprise.” “Why do you call it that?” I asked.“Because,” said the cook, “we started out with a catfish. So if it tastes like a tuna, we...
  •  I was given a list of Do`s and Don’ts of interacting with people who have dementia. I’ve modified this list only slightly to guide you in safely interacting with corporate executives.Do--Hold their hand. [Most executives want to shake your hand when you enter their office. I have found that it is best to allow them to hold your hand as long as they see fit. Extended handholding is non-verbal communication of endearment.]Do--Keep your sense of humor. [Humor is critical with high-leve...
  •  "Pee-ew! You smell like a skunk soaking in sardine nectar for a week."OK, so I can be a little candid every now and then. It`s not something I would say to Attila the Hun during a pre-battle pep rally. But it was not Attila the Hun standing in front of me. It was just my buddy Bart."Pee-ew! You have bad breath."So when the phone rang that night, the last person I expected to greet me in a cheery voice was Bad Breath Bart. "Hey, Happy Guy. I`m feeling great," he said. "Want to guess ...
  •  My dad`s lab was a mess, but then it was always a mess. This time it was a lightly charred mess, covered with extinguisher gloop. Abdul the camel seemed happy enough though, despite his smoking bum fur.Also surviving the fartplosion was my father`s newest invention, all glowing lights and shiny metal buttons. Dad stood before it, looking very proud.`This is my second most precious baby,` he announced, as if to a great crowd. `It`s the world`s first inter-dimensional instant transporter. I ...
  • This happened to me when I tried to make myself seem more authoritative of written subject. It was a book on adoption that I had written with the use of too many ten-dollar words. My intent was to have this now known to be high highfalutin' work published. Quickly, it was found that I had sent my worded masterpiece to a book agent who had obviously tired of masking disdain.He sent me this e-mail,Dear Sir: 'I dare you not to think anything other than this sentence stand protracted of hint as to a...
  •  I like to bark. I mean, I like to bark A LOT. So, whattya gonna do about it? Well, if you’re Amber and Terry, you’re going to do NOTHING about it. Ain’t nobody going to silence the Rubinman, you know what I’m sayin’? If you’re NOT Amber and Terry, though (i.e. you’re smart) and you want to know how to get your dog to just freakin’ shut up once in a while, here’s what you need to know…Why is your dog barking?I’ll be honest here: I bark because I like it. And because it...
  •  Tired of the same ol`, same ol` when it come to entertaining your garden party guests? Weary of boring badminton and jarts? Croquet not your style? Then you`re in the right spot! Here are games sure to make your next party the hit of the gardening social season!IcebreakersGame #1: The Gnat SlapEquipment required: A garden of any size.As your guests arrive, invite them for the obligatory `stroll through the garden`. Tell them they are welcome to slap the gnats but only those gnats annoying ...
  •  Dear Poor Rix: A guy just invited me to a football game. I do not understand this event. Can you explain it? -- Sport WatcherThis game begins with the entrance of referees, people with striped shirts who enforce the rules. Occasionally, someone with striped shirt and long stick may appear, and wander aimlessly. He is a “lost golfer,” and must be removed.Next come the cheerleaders, who bounce onto the field, often displaying skimpy uniforms and bare midriffs. And those are just the guys...
About Jared Fiel
Daniel is a humor columnist (as well as a former reporter, former gas station attendant, former fast food worker and current public relations flack).
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