Jared Fiel: Humor Columnist

  •  All right … I can’t help myself. I just have to weigh in on “Intelligent Design”. It’s like looking at someone with a hump on their back. As much as I don’t want to comment, I just have to say something—it’s the Larry David in me. When the president recently proclaimed that “intelligent design” (a.k.a., ID) should be taught in schools along side of evolution, I decided I had better learn more about what the president was suggesting. Although usually skeptical of Preside...
  •  Many years ago when I was young, attractive and a viable commodity on the dating market, I was employed as a bartender. Believe it or not, I actually went to "school" to learn this trade. I was living in Las Vegas at the time, and I decided to attend a local bartending academy (translated - you pay us and we`ll get you a job as a bartender).Six years, 50,000 bottles of Bud Light and several hundred Captain and cokes later I finally hung up my shaker, but not before I learned a valuable t...
  •  We`ve all been there. You round the corner to your cubical ready to start the day`s work when you are suddenly accosted by the familiar stench of a co-worker`s bad breath."Here we go again...", you think. "Another `H`-filled tirade that won`t ever permeate my ears because I`m too busy trying to keep it from permeating my nose.""So anywahhhhy," continues your co-worker, "Hhhhank Hhhhenshhhhaaw from Hhhhuman Reshhhhourcess told me ouhhhhhr 401k plahhhhn is an outstahhhhnding invehhhhhstmen...
  •  I sent a postcard to St. Peter asking for an interview with God. To my surprise I found myself standing at the Pearly Gates. I realized immediately that these were indeed the Pearly Gates because they were on a gold street and were made of gold too. Marble-size pearls glistened in the Heavenly Light.As I stood there mesmerized by the splendor, I heard a voice say, “Is that you? Taylor Jones, the hack writer?”I spun around. There was an old man with a fishing pole. I said, “You must b...
  •  My dear Swapna,Please answer the following questionnaire. You will get 10 marks for (a), 5 marks for (b) and 3 marks for (c). If you have scored more than 40, then you love me. Don`t delay to express it. If you have scored between 30 and 40, love is budding in your heart and it`s getting ready to bloom. If you have scored less than 30, you are in confusion whether to love me or not.1) Whenever you enter the classroom, your sight always falls on me because(a) of love(b) you couldn`t resist ...
  •  I had to play a joke on the maid at a hotel where I was staying. You know that little paper wrapper they place over the toilet seat, that thin paper band that is supposed to convince you that the facility is clean. You normally take the paper band off and throw it away when you go to use the john. Instead, I saved mine and each morning before leaving the room slipped it back on the toilet seat, giving the impression I never used it.After day five of this I could only imagine the maid’s r...
  • A man is selling donuts, and he hires a retard to help him sell them.The first day, a customer walks into the store, and asks him,"how much for a donut?""I don't know," he says. The boss walks into the room and says,"No, no, no, when someone asks you that you have to say, 'only 25 cents!'"So the next day, a customer walks into the store and asks him,"how much for a donut?""only 25 cents!""are they fresh?""I don't know," he says. The boss walks into the store and tells him, "No, no, no, you're su...
  •  Five stunning, new integrated mobile phone applications are set to revolutionise the way we communicate globally, while adding a whole new meaning to the word "personal" (subject to operator approval).The applications have been devised and developed by the world renowned Pevensey Bay Institute for Telecommunications Research in East Sussex, England, helped by prominent Professor Heinz Siebenundf?nfzig of the nearby Polegate Institute for Population Studies (annexe), near Eastbourne.The Ins...
  •  Operator: Thank you for calling this pizza joint. May I have your...Customer: Hello, can I order..Operator: Can I have your multi-purpose card number first, sir?Customer: It`s eh..., hold.... on...889861356102049998-45-54610.Operator: OK... you`re... Mr Singh and you`re calling from Bur Dubai. Your house number is xxx, your office number is yyy and your mobile is zzz. Which number are you calling from now, sir?Customer: Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?Operator: We are connected ...
  •  Marya Mannes once wrote, “The earth we abuse and the living things we kill will, in the end, take their revenge; for in exploiting their presence we are diminishing our future.” Obviously Ms. Mannes preferred the status quo - health, sanity, logic, blah, blah, blah. Why? Green House Roulette is so much more intriguing.In the country, weather affects everything. For five years Western South Dakota has been gripped by drought. Water and hay are vanishing. Farms and ranches are blowing aw...
About Jared Fiel
Daniel is a humor columnist (as well as a former reporter, former gas station attendant, former fast food worker and current public relations flack).
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