Jared Fiel: Humor Columnist

  •  Ladies, if you find yourself asking your male companion that killer trick question "do I look fat", then let’s be honest, you are doing so for one of four reasons: you are fat, you are feeling fat, you are vain, or you are in need of attention. And if you haven’t figured it out already, you should know that any man worth his salt has learned one thing: to answer certain female trick questions immediately, firmly, and with a clear, riveted gaze. It is all about the rudimentary, involunt...
  •  There are certain parts of the human body I just can’t figure out.For example, testicles, you know, the little round reproductive spheres men have.Why testicles?What do they do?If you’re a woman, the best way I can describe it…it’s like having an octopus right under your male organ.These things move and look, just like an octopus.They are very loose and flexible, and like an octopus, they float around. Some times they’re in front of your closed legs, sometimes behind. Sometimes, ...
  •  It was a beautiful summer day, so the man decided he would take a leisurely walk into town. As he walked along the road appreciating the scenery, he felt like there was going to be something particularly good happening for him on this morning. Sure enough, a few steps later, he saw a $10 bill in the grass, so he went over and picked it up. A little further down the road, he saw a $20 bill, so he gathered that up as well. Just as he was thinking how fortunate he was to have decided to w...
  • Vanessa Nightingale January 28 at 2:29pmOk, so I am in the grocery store and the line is ridiculously long. Only one checker. True to my nature I start talking to everyone in line like we have all been friends forever. Standing right next to me is a little old lady which i strike up a conversation with. Again, as if we had been friends forever. Now, I have long blond hair that tends to shed like a Shetland sheep dog. As we are talking I noticed that one of my hairs had found a resting spot on th...
  •  What if Bird Flu was cognizant of our fears and what if it knew it must modify itself slightly along the N5H1 strain to infect humans and then changes it self slightly to grow and infect more human hosts? What if Bird Flu, the human strain was engineered by micro-Biologists to grow into a pandemic to limit human population growth and force people into their homes, so it would be easier to control them?What if the powers that be decided this would be the best way to keep control of the popu...
  •  People lie! They lie about the bliss of rural relocation. They lie about the size of fish they catch. They lie about being there for you. But, mostly, they lie about bats! Such a silly thing, yet no one can admit the ugly truth. “Bats only come into your house. It never happens to me,” friends say. Liars!Evidence to the contrary exists. Bat visitations have occurred regularly in all three of my country homes. Each was a different style house, in a different town with different su...
  •  The other day I was "putzing" around in the garage when Andrew, (my "little guy") approached. With great curiosity asked "whatcha doin` Dad?"I`m building an atomic fission accelerator little guy," I teased. "Oh, Can I watch?" (no doubt he had never seen anyone build one of those before...)"Sure."It wasn`t long before Andrew`s attention drifted from my work to a twenty-five foot measuring tape laying on the bench nearby. After examining it for a moment, he proceeded to measure the distance ...
  •  I once had a slightly tipsy singer approach me at a show and ask in all seriousness how I could possibly be such an accomplished Blues singer since I have never been an alcoholic and had never taken drugs. Though my shows often turn into Mr. Kool’s House of Blues, I had to explain that substance abuse is not what the Blues is about. I will expand upon that scenario to lay bare the true facts on how to sing the Blues.The literature of lyrics on the development of Blues may help explain ...
  •  Early one morning last week while sitting at a traffic light, I watched a man eating a bowl of cereal. He carefully lifted each spoonful to his mouth and then drove off when the light changed.I`ve been known to eat while driving - wadded up hamburger wrappers under the front seats give ample testimony. The large brown coffee stain on the carpet tells the tale of a sharp turn and a drink carrier stability problem. Occasionally, I clean out the neat little take-out boxes that once held prime...
  •  I recently saw a bank commercial on television that was staged in a coffee shop. The idea behind the advertisement were two guys in the coffee shop, with one guy standing at the purchase counter, while the other one sat at a table manning his laptop computer. The guy at the purchase counter was showing his friend with the laptop how "cool" it was to track purchases in the coffee shop being instantly debited and recorded in Mr. Laptop`s online bank account.The guy with the laptop became som...
About Jared Fiel
Daniel is a humor columnist (as well as a former reporter, former gas station attendant, former fast food worker and current public relations flack).
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