Jared Fiel: Humor Columnist

  •  There is no denying that the sports business these days is awash in bright lights ...Quite often, though, the same can`t be said for the people or practices involved.The passage of time, the fading of origins and the constant superseding of slang can combine to cause some curious contemporary contexts.To start, have you ever really thought about how pedantic the word `quarterback` is? When the innovators who metamorphosed rugby into gridiron football were telling players where to stand, it...
  •  The first suspected case of angry chicken disease in the United States was reported Tuesday and threatens to devastate the country`s $98 billion chicken soup industry.A Holstein chicken from a farm in Manhattan was found to have the disease. The Upper West Side breed is known to have a short temper to begin with all chicken farms in the area were put on alert.The Agriculture Department assured that the infected parts of the chicken never made it to the chicken soup plant and that no other ...
  •  The new year is approaching us, and that means that most people are thinking about the resolution that sounds the most impressive to others and yet is also simultaneously the easiest to break. Meanwhile, I am thinking about some changes that I believe can benefit society -- and trust me, I know a lot about society. Or maybe it`s Monopoly. Well, I know a lot about whatever it is that makes you pay an electric bill...My first change involves compliments people give to others that are not ...
  •  People never seem to amaze me. And by that I mean that people amaze me once in a while, and the rest of the time I try to remain unimpressed -- and usually succeed. Take this evening, for example: after getting gas in my car -- and keep in mind that I live in NJ, where we are not allowed to pump our own because people don`t trust us enough -- the station attendant asked me where I was going. Not knowing where this question was headed, since people usually ask him for directions and not...
  •  New York, NY - It was discovered yesterday that New York is, indeed, the center of the Universe. Pooling the resources of the American Astrophysics Association, NASA, and We Are The World (NYC, that is), the four-year study analyzed the gravitational pull of the Universe and other factors."So?," asked Mike Spano, 23, from SoHo, "this is news? I`ve been telling everyone this for years."Dr.John Smithberg, PhD, from WATW(BTI), said, "When I earned my degree, from NYU, I knew that proving New ...
  •  It was discovered, last Monday, that a tree has grown in Brooklyn, NY. Amazed residents stared dumbfounded at the three-year-old sapling. Two girls discovered the North American Honey Birch (Honeyus Bircheus) on the way to school."At first I thought, like, it was just a tall weed," Melissa Hanes, 15, said, "then I, like, looked closer and I realized it looked kinda, like, similar to a tree." She explained they had just learnt about trees in social studies class. They were learning about di...
  • According to the National Center for Education Statistics (NCES), which is the primary federal entity for analyzing data relating to education, early reading in children is an invaluable tool with many wide ranging benefits, such as promoting language acquisition and literacy development. Reading will help to prepare young children for school, while providing them with a lifelong educational and enjoyable hobby. Oh, the places they'll go while under the spell of a captivating book! A few simple ...
  •  In a stunning development "They" have finally been revealed. As the source of incredible amounts of information, sometimes true and sometimes not, "They" are considered the experts in almost all fields. Comments like "They say to do this," and, "They say that`s not good for you," are finally able to have the noun to go with the pronoun. "Know it all"s all over the world can breath a sigh of relief."They" are a couple in their early 60`s and were revealed to live in Denver, Colorado. Sam a...
  •  It must have been more than 25 years ago when I first saw that bumper sticker. "Cute," I chuckled to myself, "What will they think of next?" (How about "Whirled Peas"?)Now in my fifties, I`m learning first hand what they`re talking about. From the frumpy grey-haired stranger that looks back at me from the bathroom mirror every day to the closet full of too-small clothes that I really should donate to the local mission. And I`m beginning to understand my grandmother`s affinity to Ben Gay.In...
  •  Forget the Marriage Amendment, President Bush. Forget the Torture Amendment, Senator McCain. Forget Campaign Reform Legislation, Congress. Forget overturning Roe vs. Wade, Pat Robertson. Forget all that stuff. Scrap it. We need to come together and focus on one thing and one thing only: passing an amendment to the Constitution making the Alternating Traffic Merge the law of the land. The time is now before this menace to our liberty dents another fender.In my mind no one is more despicable...
About Jared Fiel
Daniel is a humor columnist (as well as a former reporter, former gas station attendant, former fast food worker and current public relations flack).
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