Just dialogue 3

 
It`s all jus` dialogue!

An Interview With Truth

It is almost popular now to casually remark on the negative effects of smoking cigarettes. “Yeah, that`s almost as dangerous as smoking,” one teen comments about the suggestion of jumping off a bridge. His popularity rating gained 7 points, which would be lost when he later made the comment, “That`s almost as sexy as a nine year old boy!” When I talked with this teen, whom asked that his identity be referred to as “Super X,” he said, “I really thought I was cool with the guys when I they liked my anti-smoking remark. He made me feel like a real part of the team, because all night, I hadn`t said anything. I was still dreaming about that Casey Lain video I saw earlier.” Then, he shared his sorrows with me, “They made a mistake when I said a nine year old boy… I meant because, most of the time, nine year old boys are accompanied by really hot, late-30`s mothers. Now that turns me on.” Then Super X had to depart my presence, so that he could pick up a K-Mart catalogue for children`s swimsuits.

While flipping through the channels of TeeVee (that glamorous fuck-box), I saw a Truth commercial. Truth, for all of you who have selective vision and can`t see propaganda, is an anti-smoking organization. In this commercial, they piled up dead bodies at the corporate headquarters of some smoking business — well, dead body bags, and I`m only assuming they had real bodies in them because they were heavy, and the people kept shouting through a microphone, “Do you like killing people!?!?” In another commercial ad, they drive a van through a rich neighborhood and blast propaganda through a microphone, “We know you invest stock in smoking businesses!” Now… Carrying dead bodies and blasting noise in a neighborhood at 3 in the morning, those are only misdemeanor crimes. Honestly, these commercials look more like pro-mischief-ism than anti-smoking. Finally, one commercial, they talked about something like the cowboys being killed by smoking, and then they have horses dragging body bags (again, with the bodies), and then there was some propaganda terms thrown at me, which I think I will only benefit the reader by not repeating. So, just what gives? Fortunately, I got an interview with the people from Truth. The three whom I interviewed were John, Susane, and Charles.

John: When I think about the big smoking corporations, I see the face of Hitler.

Punkerslut: Really?

John: Yeah, and in a few years, they`ll have the Nuremburg Trials again for everyone who has sold cigarettes.

Punkerslut: Do you think that smoking companies should be killed for what they do?

John: Oh, most definitely. We`re like Gandhi, we try to change society.

Punkerslut: In less than 37 seconds of this interview, you managed to compare smoking companies to Hitler and yourself to Gandhi. How do you respond to these accusations?

John: I think that, the media is biased, towards smoking companies, because all of the smoking companies control the media.

Punkerslut: Fascinating. Susane, do you have anything to add to this?

Susane: What I really don`t like about chemists and drug users, though, is they act like they know what they`re talking about.

Punkerslut: When they really don`t?

Susane: Yeah.

Punkerslut: And you, Charles?

[At this point, Charles starts waving his arms around and drooling.]

Susane: It`s been worse ever since the accident.

Punkerslut: What happened?

Susane: He was hit by a truck, and the doctors had to surgically remove his brain.

Punkerslut: I`m so sorry.

John: A truck, I add, which was paid by the smoking companies to do this!

Punkerslut: The truck was paid?

John: Well. yesh.

Punkerslut: Incredibly provocative.

Susane: Charles still does our commercials for us.

Punkerslut: I would have never of guessed. but, moving on, what do you think about your civil disobedience towards smoking companies?

Susane: We`re fighting an oppressive system, Punker. We need everyone`s help we can get.

Punkerslut: An oppressive system?

Susane: Yes… well, see… Smoking is bad.

Punkerslut: Is it?

Susane: It certainly is!

Punkerslut: Why?

[At this point, the three looked at each other with blank faces. A minute would pass before someone spoke...]

John: Because… It`s not healthy?

Punkerslut: Fascinating. What if a person wants to smoke, out of their own liberty?

Susane: See, that`s the thing… Smoking is bad.

Punkerslut: I would say you narrowly avoided answering the question, but watching you avoid the question is like watching a 500 pound man jump a hurdle.

John: What do you mean, liberty?

At this point, each of them gave me their idea of a Utopian society, while I nodded my head and wondered why I thought this would be interesting. This sort of interview is something I would not wish upon my worst enemy. But then, we go to the next interview…

Planet of the Apes Interview

“Planet of the Apes,” the original 1968 film, was great. Of course, it was based on a novel, and not some script writer`s heroin-induced dreams. That is perhaps the greatest reason why the film itself was magnificent. However, there were some complaints against it. In my effort to discover them, I interviewed the fans of “Planet of the Apes.”

Punkerslut: Hello, everyone.

Jack: Hey, slut.

Dave: Yo, homie.

Punkerslut: Uh, yes… What did you two think about the beginning dialogue in this movie? Taylor talks to Landon, telling him about his life, saying that the main reason that he went on the trip was to live up to his American image. Taylor, however, thinks that he himself left Earth because it was too superficial. What do you think of these?

Jack: I didn`t really like that dialogue. It was too complicated.

Dave: I totally agree. I think Taylor should have been like, “Man, that would suck if this was really earth and it was inhabited by apes.”

Jack: Yeah, and Landon could say, “Yeah, that would really suck. And like, this whole area is called the Forbidden Zone.” And that token black guy could be like, “Whoa, totally. Fo` shizzle, my shnizzle!”

Dave: See, it wasn`t really necessary for him to go off on a tangent like that about life. He should have been focused on the possible ape-like dangers that lay ahead of him, instead of talking like he landed from a spaceship on a new planet, which he did, but that`s besides the point. Like, they could have developed an anti-Zaeis campaign with slogans and stuff, that way they could be prepared for Ape City.

Punkerslut: Hhhmmmm, I see. What were both of your favorite episodes?

Jack: MY favorite episode was the third one, where Dr. Zira goes to Earth and attends Women`s Rights meetings, gets drunk, and wears clothing from JC Penny.

Dave: Personally, I liked the fifth episode the best. I mean, apes living among mankind, it was like a utopia, but then those goddamned mutants had to come out of their caves and mess everything up. That`s why I stopped recognizing wheelchair people as human beings.

Punkerslut: Uuuuhhhh?… well, moving on… Was there anything about the first episode that bothered either of you?

Jack: I think the apes should have been. you know… big breasted.

Punkerslut: What the hell are you talking about?

Jack: Honestly, I can`t stay focused on something for more than six seconds unless sex is in. what were we talking about?

Punkerslut: Dave, did you have any problems with the first episode?

Dave: Besides the beginning dialogue, I really think Taylor should have nailed that Nova girl. He shoulda` really thrown Her
to the floor. And Dr. Zauis shouldn`t have been the chief of science. He shoulda` been the chief of kick ass.

Punkerslut: Uuuummmm. anything else, Dave?

Dave: Now that you mention it, it would have been really cool if Charleton Heston had a gatling gun in that movie.

Punkerslut: And how could a gatling gun be explained?

Dave: I `unno.. he brought it with him from earth.

Punkerslut: They let him bring a gatling gun with him on the space ship?

Dave: Well, they do bring that weird ice cream on space ships. I don`t see why a gatling gun would be different.

Punkerslut: You`re probably right.

Dave: Yeah, I am. And like, Taylor would arrive at the city of the apes, and he would be like, “Eat lead, apes… Det det det det det.” And like, they could explode and stuff, and the humans would learn to talk because, you know, guns and violence are necessary to real communication…

Punkerslut: Okay, Dave, shutup. Final question.. Would either of you like to see another “Planet of the Apes” movie made? Several years back, they remade the first episode. Should they do the same to the second episode?

Jack: Well, they tried to. That was their intention. To remake all of them.

Punkerslut: But…?

Jack: Their first remake was so piss-poor, they decided not to torture humanity with more sequels.

Punkerslut: It`s good to see film directors with Humanitarian ideals. We could only wish George Lucas had the same ideals before he made Star Wars Episode 1, or before Steven Spielberg made AI and pissed on the corpse of Kubrick, or before Steven Segal made any movie at all.

Dave: It`s hard being the life of a cynic, isn`t it?

Punkerslut: You have no idea.

www.punkerslut.com

For Life,

Punkerslut (or Andy Carloff) has been writing essays and poetry on social issues which have caught his attention for several years. His website http://www.punkerslut.com provides a complete list of all of these writings. His life experience includes homelessness, squating in New Orleans and LA, dropping out of high school, getting expelled from college for “subversive activities,” and a myriad of other revolutionary actions.

 

About Jared Fiel
Daniel is a humor columnist (as well as a former reporter, former gas station attendant, former fast food worker and current public relations flack).
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