Five Sexual positions You May Not Have Thought Of

Here are five different options for having more sexual fun in the bedroom that you may not have thought of attempting as of yet, but will after I tell you how to do them. I assure you I have tried these myself with highly satisfactory results (at least for me).

First, a proviso. Do not attempt these movements if you have high blood pressure, emphysema, a dislocated shoulder, erective dysfunction, need to experience a major bowl movement within minutes, cannot control psychologically explosive orgasm, suffer from prostate or liver failure, have a bad case of unexploded pimples, have a dysfunction in which you enjoy playing with loaded guns during sex, have recently had braces put on your teeth, belong to a church in which anything except mindless emotionless procreation is viewed as sinful, have a bad back, expect respect in the morning, have a gall bladder problem, major torso stiffness, or rheumatism.

Everything else is okay.

First. The “Karma Sutra Wow I’m Losin’ My Mind Position.” Put your partner behind you with her head positioned at the small of your back. Now, lock arms and legs. You should form a circle of sorts. Now, on the thick, white shag rug, push forward. The two of you locked together will roll across the floor just like a wheel. This combines sexual intimacy with the thrill of a ride at Disney World.

Secondly. “The X rated Trapeze Bedroom Set.”

You may order this equipment from my website for only $99.95 (includes batteries, vibrators and assorted projectiles). Unless you have personally experienced the unalloyed joy of having yaa-haa while flying through the air……you have not lived. Believe me. This is really a case of letting it go, or, letting it all hang out as they used to say. The set attaches to the ceiling of your bedroom. However, practice (included in the set is an instruction booklet) is advised. If you don’t know what you’re doing, you may slip, drop your partner and crash through your window naked onto the lawn in front of an elderly neighbor watering her lawn……raising some questions.

Thirdly. “The Bird of Prey Strike Position.”

This comes with a suit of feathers (yellow like Big Bird on Sesame Street) you can purchase from my website for only $190.95 (while supplies last). A chartreuse suit is also available for only $399.95. This position satisfies the urge we all have to be taken by a huge predatory animal. You stand on top of the chest of drawers, scream loudly like this “Kaaa-Kaaaa,” (like a crow). Then you leap onto the bed, at your partner. The lunge is critical. You must simulate being aggressive without hurting your partner in any way. I strongly advise that you first practice by jumping on a clothes hamper wrapped in a blanket before your first solo flight.

Fourth. “The Upside Down I’m About to Blow My Top Position.” In this erotic position, your partner stands on her head in a corner while you remain standing.

You blow hard on her big toe. It is imperative to have a ring of lighted candles on the floor around you both. The act of blowing causes blood to flow downward toward the head which in turn causes a downward spiral of air. This is turn causes the candles to heat this air, which swirls clockwise much like a developing hurricane. The result is a mini vortex in which you experience a hot blast of tropical moist air during the action, resulting in a climax type form of global warming.

It has to be experienced to be believed.

And finally. The Fifth. “The Sniff and Scratch Mega Twirl.” This one is ideal for convalescents in hospitals.

It is ridiculously simple. In fact, you don’t need a partner. You simply gnaw on places where you have an itch. Then sniff. For some reason this simulates sex. Don’t ask me how or why. It just does. I was doing this the other day in a boring sales meeting at my office and WOW! Does it work.

I have additional techniques available. These are but a few in my new book, You’re only Limited by Your Imagination. It’s only $39.95 (while supplies last).

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About Jared Fiel
Daniel is a humor columnist (as well as a former reporter, former gas station attendant, former fast food worker and current public relations flack).
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