“Is it a keeper?” asked the boy“Hells no! There’s more meat on the worm,” said the old man and tossed the eight-inch catfish over the side of the bridge and back down into the Fannegusha.“You done your Sausage McMuffin?” asked the old man.“Yeah.”“Can’t beat McDonalds’ breakfast. Well worth the shits.” “Grandpa!”“Sorry.”The boy dropped his line back in the river and the old man cast his farther out. Watching his bobber slowly float downstream, the boy caught a na... more »

 Take time to laugh at yourself and the ridiculous in life. It is so refreshing to just laugh at your slips, peculiarities, forgetfulness, and fumbles. Humor has the power to dull the sharp edges of life and is a great tension reliever. Laughter stimulates the soul and boosts the immune system.There are medical researchers who assert that laughter reduces levels of certain stress hormones. But, beyond this, laughter is curative. It is just good medicine for the sluggish spirit and an effect... more »

 This morning I decided to find myself. I originally looked forward to the spiritual journey that would define who I was as a person. But then I looked into my mirror and realized that the person I saw in that mirror was me. So I then figured, why spend all this time finding myself when I already know where I am?Since I allotted around 80 years for this quest and finished it in about eight seconds, I had some free time that I needed to devote to a cause. I had a great idea: I would purp... more »

 I went to the eye doctor the other day. I thought it was time to have my eyes checked. It turned out to also be a reality picture checkup.I enter the office to be greeted by the receptionist, "Can I help you?""I hope so." I reply, "I`d like to have the doctor check my eyes and write me a prescription so I can get some new glasses.""He can`t see you today," the receptionist tells me."Something wrong with His eyes?" I ask with a smile."Pardon me?""Why can`t he see me today? Does he have temp... more »

 Today while driving I saw a young girl, probably around 11 years old, on a cell phone. She was walking along the side of the street talking to someone, and I couldn’t help but think that maybe she was talking to someone across the street because she wasn’t allowed to cross it. Whatever the reason, though, there is something about an 11-year-old on a cell phone that legitimately scares me, and it has nothing to do with the fact that she is probably getting more calls than I am...I alw... more »

 There are many ways to be original these days. But unfortunately I cannot reveal any of these ways because the followers would then not be original, would they? Now, I realize that somewhere between one to two people would have followed the advice I gave, but just in case my calculations were off — and it turns out three would have followed — I need to be careful about what I write …One slogan which completely frustrates me due to its lack of originality is “got ____?” That’... more »

 Well, I hope you did not read that headline wrong, Crew Member Starbucks is not doing Paris Hilton. What I am saying here is Starbucks will now be offered in some Hilton Hotels. Just think you can watch Paris the skinny blonde babe on your infomercial in room TV ad for a Starbucks, run down to the lobby to and buy a fattening Frappachino.Imagine the benefits of having Starbucks in your room? Sounds good and while you are on vacation who cares if you get fat and look like crap in our bathi... more »

 Lawyer JokesQ: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.Q: What is the legal definition of “Appeal”?A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?A: To practice.Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?A: Your Honor.Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?A: The lawyer charges more.Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a b... more »

 This column is long overdue. To put it in library terms, which I guess I already did (but I’d like to elaborate), this column is like checking out a book in 1998 but not returning it until yesterday. And by yesterday, I really mean tomorrow. This analogy will only grow as time continues because yesterday and tomorrow are both relative terms. I can’t wait until the space creatures read this in the year 2577. Maybe they will e-mail me when they do, just so I feel like my previous se... more »

Today I got my school ID card. It has my name, the year, the school district I'm in, and the... name of my school. Let's just say I go to a school that has the word "Sugar" in it. On my card, it is spelled "Suger ____ ______ _____". My school is now a disgrace.... more »