Columns
  •  Has anyone else tried that sugar substitute called "Splenda?"My wife, Roxanne, read about it, and with me being on a diet for the past few weeks, she decided to buy some for me. I`ve had it twice now, once a couple teaspoons on a bowl of Grapenuts, and another time as the sweetener in some so-called dietetic ice cream.Let me tell you something, folks, calling the results of eating Splenda "having gas" is like calling the Space Shuttle an airplane. (Well, it would be like calling it an airp... more »
  •  Daylight Savings Time is a curious burden on the ease of our lives that many of us have come to despise. I never know what time it really is anymore. Is it actually this time now, or was it actually that time then? I don’t believe anyone truly knows.This past round trip, I declared war on Daylight Savings Time. Here`s how it happened.Back in March or April or May, or whatever month it is that The Time Tyrants first toy with our time -- when our clock settings were supposed to be changed ... more »
  • It was really funny! I was sat in my house when the doorbell rang. I jumped up and answered it, and my friend Amy bashed past me and ran into my house. I forgot she was coming over! Then I noticed she was running a lot and wearing exercise clothes and sweating, so I asked if she wanted some food. She said yes, she wanted some fried mushrooms. I've never made them before, but I didn't want to look THICK, so I cut up some mushrooms and put them in a hot pan with a little butter. She was really swe... more »
  •  I won’t lie: there are a lot of things I want in life, and some of them I’d even pay for. Rather than listing them in some aimless order so that I can feel bad about not having these things, I will instead focus on one thing that is actually attainable: a hidden driveway...I’ve wanted a hidden driveway for as long as I can remember, which is sometime between yesterday and tomorrow. I was driving on a busy road when I saw the sign to my right that denoted the hidden driveway existed... more »
  •  Ace of Base hasn’t seen the sign for quite some time now, but that doesn’t stop the rest of us from doing so. In fact, on a regular basis, I see a lot of signs — and I don’t like most of them. With that in mind, I thought I’d take this week’s column to reveal a few examples:Caution: Children at Play: Why are we supposed to be cautioned of this — in case they need a steady quarterback? Or, am I interpreting this wrong entirely, and it turns out that all the children are at ... more »
  •  I have recently become frustrated with something at doughnut establishments, and I`m not referring to the scones, although -- seriously -- just think about the writing possibilities if I were. Rather, it`s the tip cup that bothers me...To begin, I do realize that doughnut (or donut, take your pick) shops aren`t the only places with these cups. But for the sake of this column, I need to be oblivious to all of the other ones in order to keep some sort of focus, so bear with me here...Yogi:... more »
  •  If you ever saw Aristophanes live on stage, you must be sincerely old. That’s because he appeared around 400 B.C., and back then the videos were pretty bad.This amazing Greek dramatist knew how to communicate through comedy. Like present-day humorists, much of his work focused on current events or politicians.What can we learn from this ancient wordsmith?1. Humor can be a great teaching device. One of his early plays – “The Clouds” – talks about an old man trying to solve problem... more »
  •  This past week as Mr. Man and I lounged around our sprawling estate, I realized that my life is just way too laid back. What with our perfect children, our incredible level of financial independence and perfect hard bodies, I felt inspired to do something to shake things up a bit."Hey, Mr. Man," I said to my sweet Baboo, "What do you say we get up real early in the morning and drive two hours to a hospital as big as Disney World so I can get their Monday Thyroid Biopsy Special? I think tha... more »
  •   I wrote this article last year when hurricanes after hurricanes pounded Florida. It is the hurrican season. This year the season has turned ugly for the state of Florida. "There are no seasons in Florida", they say. But we can now say there are two distinct seasons in Florida: Hurricane season and Non-hurricane season.We moved to this state last year from texas. When I joined the VA hospital as software engineer I was very surprised to hear that we had to attendtwo mandatory hurrican safe... more »
  •  This article was prompted by something I heard (second hand) about the performance of a local magician at a child`s birthday party. Now, granted, this wasn`t done by a clown, but I`ve seen clowns doing similar things. As one of his tricks, he has a child (a young girl approximately 9 years old) holding two handkerchiefs knotted together. He pulls Her hands apart, and instead of a third handkerchief appearing (or a flag, or whatever else) he has a pair of ladies` panties appear. The magicia... more »
About Jared Fiel
Daniel is a humor columnist (as well as a former reporter, former gas station attendant, former fast food worker and current public relations flack).
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