Columns
  •  It`s all jus` dialogue!The Darwin E-mail IncidentI was talking online, bashing Creationists, Catholics, and anyone else who was easily offended by the anatomically correct word for fucking, and a mysterious dilemma unfolded. The first five or so lines actually occured, and inspired me to write this article. Lez watch!Conversation With Creationist...Creationist: Your Evolutionist lies are false! False false false false!Punkerslut: You see, though, there are Reversionary and Vestigial o... more »
  •  It`s all jus` dialogue!The Chia Pet Commercial...I`m sure everyone is fully aware of the Chia Pet commercials. However, afterwards, the commercials were modified to sell a different product...Woman: I love Chia Pets! I bought one for my son, my daughter, my husband, and... myself![Camera cuts to the woman`s family.]Son: Yeah, it`s really hard on us, living with a skitzophrenic mother who buys us each the same gift every year.Daughter: All the time, it`s chia pet this, chia pet that. ... more »
  • I cannot even find the words to explain the humiliation I am feeling from this experience the other morning..So Ive been dating this amazing guy for about 3 1/2 months. After finaly getting out of a 2 year long abusive relationship, I finaly had found someone who makes me so happy. Each date just got better and better. Fourth of July comes around, best time Ive ever had with someone and in the perfect moment he explains to me hes falling in love with me (right before the fireworks show started. ... more »
  •  Peru recently had a huge record breaking Earthquake, a whopper at 7.8 on the Richter scale. Days later the volcano of Fire in Mexico erupted. Now we already know that President Bush is responsible for the Tsunami last year and both Hurricane Katrina and Hurricane Rita. This was reported from a very reliable source; Al Sharpton, Louis Faracon, and Jesse Jackson recently, so you know it is true. Although the media is covering up the fact that the Bush Administration has done nothing to stop ... more »
  •  Hair is where you find it. My favorite hair salon name, "A Cut Above" contains several hidden meanings. I stopped going to a barber when a ten minute shearing cost twenty dollars plus tip. Now my wife hacks away every two weeks, turning my shirts into an itchy torture chamber and leaving little red scissor spots on my ear lobes. I daren`t say anything critical or I`ll be back at the barbershop in a minute.I wouldn`t spend a dime on a hair restorer, but a windfall bottle of (ladies) Roga... more »
  •  We see California Wildfires today? Where is FEMA, they should have known there might be fires in California in the future. Obviously FEMA has no crystal ball and the Bush Administration did not put in a requisition for a crystal ball or put together a team of psychics, as per Jesse Jackson`s plan; who might have used their magical powers and averaged out the results to pin-point which states might have a wild fire.Additionally President Bush is Personally responsible for the Solar Flares a... more »
  •  Be careful what you wish for. Entering the baby`s room one day, I noticed a subtle odor, not unlike a used diaper or a moose with a gas problem. A thorough search revealed everything in order and clean, so it must have come from the baby. "Marielle," I thought, "You stinky devil."Opening the window helped, but I felt I had to ask my sister-in-law, Doris, who often had given me good advice on sticky problems. A fifteen minute conversation with Doris revealed that she knew an old woman of ... more »
  •  Some cling to the Shakespearian line by Caesar who said; “First thing we do is kill all lawyers,” as a possible solution to the abundance of frivolous lawsuits which are filed each year with fictitious claims full of pure and utter hokum. Even the wisest of men who seek such advice to remove this cancer from our society hold short when asked; “Should all lawyers actually be killed?” In fact many of the most intellectual members of our society believe that we should not kill all the... more »
  •  You know me. I tell only the truth in my stories. (Mostly.) So maybe this once I told a big lie, just so I could tell an even better story that`s actually true (mostly.) Was it worth the sacrifice of my very soul? You decide.Jim Ottea and I had been cruising through Colorado for several days, he on His Yamaha FJR, me on my BMW K1200LT. After almost two weeks on the road, the trip was nearly over, but the fun was not. As far as we`re concerned, it`s not over `til it`s over. People h... more »
  •  This afternoon, I passed a mother dragging her daughter by the hand. The girl was asking, or rather moaning: "Mom, where is the car?" Obviously, to have to walk a dozen paces in the parking lot required more strength than she had. It has reminded me of a pupil`s heartfelt cry.I was explaining that the roofs of the gothic cathedrals look like upside down hulls because they had been designed and built by nautical carpenters."In the beginning, a Roman church was as wide as the shortest beam o... more »
About Jared Fiel
Daniel is a humor columnist (as well as a former reporter, former gas station attendant, former fast food worker and current public relations flack).
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