Columns
  •  The other day I was "putzing" around in the garage when Andrew, (my "little guy") approached. With great curiosity asked "whatcha doin` Dad?"I`m building an atomic fission accelerator little guy," I teased. "Oh, Can I watch?" (no doubt he had never seen anyone build one of those before...)"Sure."It wasn`t long before Andrew`s attention drifted from my work to a twenty-five foot measuring tape laying on the bench nearby. After examining it for a moment, he proceeded to measure the distance ... more »
  •  People lie! They lie about the bliss of rural relocation. They lie about the size of fish they catch. They lie about being there for you. But, mostly, they lie about bats! Such a silly thing, yet no one can admit the ugly truth. “Bats only come into your house. It never happens to me,” friends say. Liars!Evidence to the contrary exists. Bat visitations have occurred regularly in all three of my country homes. Each was a different style house, in a different town with different su... more »
  •  What if Bird Flu was cognizant of our fears and what if it knew it must modify itself slightly along the N5H1 strain to infect humans and then changes it self slightly to grow and infect more human hosts? What if Bird Flu, the human strain was engineered by micro-Biologists to grow into a pandemic to limit human population growth and force people into their homes, so it would be easier to control them?What if the powers that be decided this would be the best way to keep control of the popu... more »
  • Vanessa Nightingale January 28 at 2:29pmOk, so I am in the grocery store and the line is ridiculously long. Only one checker. True to my nature I start talking to everyone in line like we have all been friends forever. Standing right next to me is a little old lady which i strike up a conversation with. Again, as if we had been friends forever. Now, I have long blond hair that tends to shed like a Shetland sheep dog. As we are talking I noticed that one of my hairs had found a resting spot on th... more »
  •  It was a beautiful summer day, so the man decided he would take a leisurely walk into town. As he walked along the road appreciating the scenery, he felt like there was going to be something particularly good happening for him on this morning. Sure enough, a few steps later, he saw a $10 bill in the grass, so he went over and picked it up. A little further down the road, he saw a $20 bill, so he gathered that up as well. Just as he was thinking how fortunate he was to have decided to w... more »
  •  There are certain parts of the human body I just can’t figure out.For example, testicles, you know, the little round reproductive spheres men have.Why testicles?What do they do?If you’re a woman, the best way I can describe it…it’s like having an octopus right under your male organ.These things move and look, just like an octopus.They are very loose and flexible, and like an octopus, they float around. Some times they’re in front of your closed legs, sometimes behind. Sometimes, ... more »
  •  Ladies, if you find yourself asking your male companion that killer trick question "do I look fat", then let’s be honest, you are doing so for one of four reasons: you are fat, you are feeling fat, you are vain, or you are in need of attention. And if you haven’t figured it out already, you should know that any man worth his salt has learned one thing: to answer certain female trick questions immediately, firmly, and with a clear, riveted gaze. It is all about the rudimentary, involunt... more »
  •  My source at the Blair House told me a funny story the other day. It seems that Karl Rove stepped into the President’s bedroom and stood in front of the man-length mirror. He said, “Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, Who’s the greatest—““It’s not working right!”Rove tuned and said, “Mr. President! I was just combing my hair.”“You seem to be good at that, Karl.”Rove said, “Oh, there is no special skill required for comb—“I meant “Lying!”“Okay, I was using your m... more »
  •  One day a hiker was traveling along a mountain trail. He had planned to follow the trail for several miles before retracing his steps back to the point where he started. Several miles down the path the climb started to get steeper and more rugged. As he continued on, the path grew more narrow. The man trudged upward, being careful to watch his step as the slope became more difficult. He began to wonder if it was a good idea to continue because a person might get injured if they fell ... more »
  •  It was a momentous day in the neighborhood as all the kids were buzzing about the next big thing to arrive on the block. Though nobody could pinpoint exactly how or where this new marvel had first appeared, we all knew it would be something significant; as soon as we could figure out what to do with it. The object of our new found fascination was actually a large wooden spool used for transporting heavy cable. Somehow, my friend had commandeered the empty spool. When stood up on its si... more »
About Jared Fiel
Daniel is a humor columnist (as well as a former reporter, former gas station attendant, former fast food worker and current public relations flack).
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