Jared Fiel: Humor Columnist

  •  To: Maybelle MisfireFrom: I. M.. Power, VPWelcome aboard! Delighted you have accepted a position as planning analyst with Mega Corp. See you in September, as they say.To: Maybelle MisfireFrom: Nefarious AirlinesWe are sorry to learn that Fluffy feels humiliated if her cat carrier is marked "Excess Baggage."Please remember that, in proportion to her size, Fluffy has more room in her carrier than our first class passengers enjoy in their recliner seats.Anyway, your cats are well known in the...
  •  Over visiting a neighbor the other day…“Would you like a cup of coffee?” he asks. “I just roasted the latest batch.”“Yes. Coffee sounds great.”“How do you take it?” he asks as he grinds the beans.“Black; no sugar, no milk.”“Well, we have no milk anyway, only cream.”“In that case, I’ll have it with no cream.”“We could water the cream down to make milk, I suppose, if you’d prefer.”“That’s ok,” I say, “No cream is better than no milk anyway.”“...
  •  Saturday morning. I went, in the early morning, to the farmer`s market to get our supply of fruits and veggies, leaving Sandra to sleep in. I have strolled up and down, stopping at various vendors to buy the things that appeal to me today and my 2 bags are bulging. This is a process I always enjoy.The noise of the vendors extolling the virtues of their produce; the smells and colors, the relaxed and friendly camaraderie of both buyers and sellers all add up to produce an atmosphere of good...
  •  Every day, or at least every other day, we make a fruit smoothie at mid morning. Almost without fail, these smoothies contain bananas; so, we go through about 10 or 12 bananas a week. Depending on my mood or the availability, these smoothies may also contain mango, papaya, pineapple, coconut or whatever other fresh fruit comes our way plus ice, water and the blender. Maybe also yoghurt or wheat germ.However, banana is the usual and requisite smoothie base.One day, after being out of banana...
  •  Imagine my surprise when I went to Jamaica a few years ago and learned that I do, indeed, have an accent. You see, unlike my paternal grandmother, I don`t stretch the word "cornbread" into four syllables. She might say, "Here. Have ye some co-orn-bray-ed;" whereas I might say, "You want some corn-bread?" See? Two syllables on the cornbread; "you" rather than "ye." Unlike my maternal grandmother, I say "carrion" rather than "kyarn." In fact, I had no idea what she was talking about until re...
  •  A couple of days ago I had to go to a dealership to get my car fixed. I am not implying that I don`t want my car to have children, because who am I to make that choice? More so, I was sent a letter about a recall on one of the parts (the hazards, actually), meaning that the dealership was obligated to fix my car while I watched television and drank free coffee from a vending machine…"This is quite a deal," you may be thinking.And I suppose it is. My philosophy was that for every ten m...
  •  Humans think much like monkeys and other primates, not much different in their abilities to reason. Why is this? We mimic, copy, imitate that which we see. This is a common thing that all higher primates do, including us. But if we would stop and think and allow original uninhibited thought to flow without fear of being chastised, cast out, imprisoned, punished, ridiculed or made example of, then we might really come up with some great innovations which would certainly propel mankind to be...
  •  I cracked open the fortune cookie and read the little slip of paper on the inside. Immediately I realized that it had been written by a weather forecaster."You will be approached in the late afternoon by a pink polka-dot octopus..."It continued on the other side: "... and asked to provide details of your application for a yellow cloud mulching permit."Two things struck me about this particular fortune. The first is that they have come a long way in their ability to predict exactly what w...
  •  Today, Norm Goldman, Editor of Sketchandtravel & Bookpleasuresis delighted to have as a guest, Fran Capo.Fran is quite a “cool person,” as she is an eight-time author, humorist, voiceover artist, comedienne, adventurer, actress, freelance writer and keynote motivational speaker. She also holds the Guinness Book Worlds Record for the Fastest Talking Female.Recently, Fran accomplished another amazing feat as the first and only author to ever do a book signing on the top of Mount Kilimanj...
  •  NOTE: This article was originally published in May 2000 at *spark-online.com when my grandmother was alive. I came across the link from my Web site and, after debating whether or not to change anything, decided to leave it. As Jadzia Dax said in STAR TREK: DEEP SPACE NINE, "If you want to know who you are, it`s important to know who you`ve been." Of course, Edna Mode in THE INCREDIBLES SAYS, "I never look back, dahling. It distracts from the now." So I won`t look back, i.e. revise, an...
About Jared Fiel
Daniel is a humor columnist (as well as a former reporter, former gas station attendant, former fast food worker and current public relations flack).
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